Infidelity as Revenge (2024)

The tendency of people who are in supposed monogamous relationships to cheat has a history that stretches far back into our primate past. Infidelity is so common among our kind, and so disruptive to individual lives and the whole social order, that commandments have been dictated against it. Countless books have been written about it, too. Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary, and The Great Gatsby are classic examples, all of them sad.

There are many different reasons why people cheat. Humans are not inherently monogamous the way, for instance, eagles are. And prairie voles. Infidelity may be powered by sexual desire or love that proves too strong to resist. Such overpowering attraction, usually accompanied by “falling out of love” with the current partner, creates problems that frequently prove fatal to the pre-existing relationship.

Irresistible attraction, though, is by no means the only cause of infidelity. Another common cause is the urge to take revenge. This urge may be augmented by physical attraction; but without the wish for revenge, the cheating might not occur.

In our culture, where forgiveness is an ideal, revenge is a troubling word. Many people think that it should be left to God—“Vengeance is mine saith the lord”—or to the law, where it will not be called revenge. In conversation, the less-charged payback is frequently preferred.

Revenge is often unconscious

The wish for revenge, by whatever name it’s called, is often semi or completely unconscious, consigned to what Carl Jung called the shadow. Rather than admit to a wish for revenge, cheaters declare that their partners belittled, bullied, ignored, emotionally starved, or otherwise abused them, impelling them to seek comfort and emotional sustenance elsewhere. They may claim that their partner cheated first. All of this may be true. But their partners’ mistreatment caused them pain; and pain provokes the urge to strike back. “You did this, so I’ll do that.” Punch, counterpunch. Tit for tat.

Targets of vengeful infidelity

The person cheated on is not always the target of the revenge. A woman who cheats with another woman’s husband may be striking back at the wife. A man who cheats with another’s wife may wish to shame the husband and lower his status. No one admires a cuckold. Especially his wife.

In my psychological thriller Ursula Lake, a man who feels misused by his best friend starts an affair with his friend’s wife, who has her own reasons to feel misused. This infidelity is especially dangerous because it happens in the wilds of British Columbia, far from the constraints of civilized society. All does not end well.

Hard as it may be for some people to admit, great satisfaction can derive from revenge—a sense of taking back one’s power, and evening the score. It has been suggested that persons unlawfully injured should be allowed to mete out punishment themselves as a way to restore their dignity and sense of personal effectiveness. The popularity of revenge movies—Carrie, Death Wish, Kill Bill—shows no sign of waning. Like Charles Bronson before him, actor Liam Neeson is famous for playing an avenger.

Consequences of cheating for revenge

Someone whose partner cheats may feel it his/her right to return the favor. But infidelity of any kind creates huge risks for all concerned. And the risks are not just psychological and financial. Few emotions are so likely to explode into violence as those in which cheating has occurred.

The psychological dangers of cheating are great. Desire can be a fragile thing, which infidelity can damage or destroy. Cheating shatters the mutual trust vital to a good partnership, degrading if not dooming the relationship. Children of the union are injured too, sometimes beyond repair.

Partners tempted to cheat for revenge would be wise to reconsider. They must first, of course, identify their wish for revenge. They must then decide if the current relationship is worth saving. If it is not, the best choice will usually be to end that relationship before starting a new one.

Real life is sloppy, though. People may feel compelled by circ*mstances—children, finances, health, etc.—to make choices that are not ideal. Some will revenge-cheat, get caught, and go through ugly divorces. Others will seem to get away with it, though often at high hidden costs to all concerned. Some will begin a Hatfields-and-McCoys-style cycle of perpetual payback. Damaged relationships may drag on until death does the couple part.

If a relationship is worth saving, cheating for revenge is a poor choice. If the inciting injury can, in therapy or otherwise, be healed before cheating occurs, the relationship has the best chance to be saved. Even if it can’t be saved, future relationships have a better chance if the former partners can minimize psychological scarring and understand what went wrong in their relationship.

A basic tenet of psychotherapy is that it’s better to understand the inner workings of our psyches than to be dragged forward by the unconscious, with its invisible chains. This tenet applies strongly in the case of infidelity. Understanding the dynamics that led to cheating in one relationship can help prevent it in the next, increasing the chances for what most people want: a satisfying and long-lasting partnership.